From my journal . . .

I was reading a friend’s blog before stopping to type this. She wrote about the transformation of herself over the years by means of the atonement. Most often when I consider my past, I think about the events such as graduating from high school or college, going to Iraq or coming home, or when I moved to Provo or New York City. Her perspective on her past though seemed more about a transformation over the years rather than a time line of events. Although I’m probably not describing it very well, it’s a very intriguing idea to me that seems to center around the change of an individual and tracking that sort of progress over time. Who am I now in comparison to who I was yesterday? A year ago? 10 years ago? I am still Marcus. I still like music and bicycles as I did then but there’s so much more to me than that and that, whatever that is, has changed. I need to get this out into the world and get some feedback.

Later . . . I’ve had this sense of “who am I to have such things” over the last day or so. I was admitted to Teachers College for the program and degree I was hoping for and somewhat in the process have caught myself sitting back and asking myself this question about my “worthiness” to have such blessings in my life. Of course the classic rebuttal to that is “who am I not to have those blessings.” While that statement is very true there’s probably more going on here. It seems to be somewhere along the lines of, “you’re starting to realize your potential.” The key word is starting. Although I’m excited about Teachers College and the idea of having a degree from Columbia (oooh, Ivy League), the degrees and accolades we may obtain in this life mean next to nothing. Hopefully it means that I really am worthy of such blessings and that it’s time to step up and take the associated responsibility.