The Challenge–Completed

I meant to share this in real time but things got a little busy and I haven’t gotten around to it until now. At least I kept these thoughts in real time. I’ve also edited this to protect the innocent (i.e. all the wonderful women I had the opportunity to spend some time with these last few weeks). Also I should note that some of these entries are quite short. I had a great time on every single date, however, a great date did not always translate into some new shining pearl of wisdom. Besides, some of my entries we too personal to post. Still, I’ve had a unique experience and I want to share bit of it with the world. What’s more is that now I would love to hear some of your thoughts good, bad, or otherwise.

October 4, 2011

I just got back from my first date. I really enjoyed her company but something I noticed tonight was some anxiety on my part. I’ve been specifically working on dealing with it in a healthy way. I was with a friend and I had nothing to be anxious about. Still, I felt anxious at a couple of specific times tonight. She wasn’t intimidating me, she’s one of the kindest people I know. But something triggered the anxiety. As soon as I was conscious of it I was able to let it go and I became more comfortable. I wonder if she noticed it. I wonder where this is coming from.

October 7, 2011

I found myself being very much the tour guide tonight, a role I enjoy. I made jokes and she laughed and smiled sincerely as we walked and talked and as I pointed out cool things of importance. What was interesting to note was that at some point I started making less comments. It got quiet between us and I was okay with that. There seems to be this point of transition between funny one-liners and more in depth conversation that I don’t know how to cross. I want to be a good date for her and make her feel appreciated and valued and I feel like I did that. It could that I just need to exercise a bit more patience for that deeper connection to happen. I want it, but all in good time I suppose. I guess maybe that’s the lesson for tonight, patience with the process.

October 9, 2011

I had a great date tonight. ☺

October 10, 2011

I realized a bit more about how good of a guy I am. Satan has worked me over for a long time and has tried to convince me that I’m evil, that I’m only masquerading as a good guy (at other times he’s tried to convince me that I’m good enough and that I don’t have to do anything more, then I slip up a bit). Satan is doing anything he can to convince me that I’m something that I’m not. God, by contrast, is doing everything in His power to teach me who I really am and trying to convince me to act in a manner that’s consistent with that.

October 11, 2011

Tonight was great because it was proof to me that I’m learning how to let go of all of my anxieties and all of my troubles; I’m just learning how to be me.

October 13, 2011

It was great to see her but both of us were ready to call it a night early. This is fun, but a little tiring.

October 14, 2011

I had a lot of fun tonight. Initially I wasn’t sure what to expect but that seems to be a theme with my dates. I was able to make her laugh and I think that she had a really good time. What I noticed tonight was the interplay between us. I felt a little anxious and felt the need to speak, and I think it showed. Other times when I let silence be present for a few seconds she felt the need to say something. This idea or rhythm between two people is interesting to me. With some it comes very easily with others it’s much harder. I suppose that’s the purpose of dating though, to see what existing rhythm between two people is good or what can develop. The trick maybe is to figure out how discern what’s going on in the moment or to see what’s possible in time. These are good questions to think about.

October 15, 2011

We ended up going for lunch and then went to the Morris Jumel Mansion that was open as part of the Open House New York weekend. I think I still find it hard to calm myself down when I’m with a woman that I like (I’ve liked all of my dates so far) but I feel like I’m getting better at it.

October 17, 2011

I had a great date tonight. ☺

October 19, 2011

I felt very comfortable with her, though I felt bad being so tired.

October 20, 2011

I had a great time tonight but there seems to be something about me that I want to change that I sort of became aware of tonight. It seems to be some sort of ambivalence. Whether or not it’s really there I can’t say, but it is something that I want to figure out because I’ve seen it in the past. I hope I can make that happen.

October 21, 2011

Through all of this though I’m learning to be more at ease with myself, which in turn is helping my dates to feel more at ease as well. I’m learning how to be more on my A game, even when I’m tired.

October 22, 2011

Some of the lessons that I’ve been considering in all of this is how dangerous hanging out can be. I’ve known this for a while but still it has come back to me with renewed force. Being on a date (even if it’s just a single, first date) is a much better and much more fulfilling way to interact with women. While it requires more of both individuals the payoff is far greater. Throughout this project I’ve been quick to trash the concept of “hanging out.” It’s not as bad as I’ve made it out to be and on occasion it can be a good way to get to know some people that you wouldn’t otherwise get to know. Still, the ratio of “hanging out” to dating should be heavily in favor of dating and it breaks my heart to see that it just isn’t like that, at least from what I’ve observed. I understand that many have great friendships with members of the opposite sex and that they want to spend time with them. If that’s the case, what’s wrong with spending time with them going on casual simple dates like I did today?
(In case you need a reminder about the difference between dating and “hanging out”, here’s a good refresher for you. http://lds.org/ensign/2006/06/dating-versus-hanging-out?lang=eng&query=Dating+versus+Hanging)

In addition I’ve also become more comfortable dating. Just going on a lot of dates makes it simple and takes away a lot of the anxiety that I’ve experienced in the past. That in turn makes it more comfortable for her as well. Life is good.

October 23, 2011

I had a great date today. There are some lessons to all of this but it might take me a while to understand it all. Let’s hope I can make some sense of all of this sooner than later.

October 24, 2011

I had a great time tonight and I wish I knew what to say at this point but I’m so excited to be done that I can’t really think of anything to say. For now, it’s time for bed. I think for me this project has been like mountain biking. It was a mad rush and sure was a lot of fun, even if it was a little tiring. Still, I want more. ☺

The Dating Challenge-Week 0

I wrote this in real time, I just haven’t gotten around to posting it, until now.

September 22, 2011

I posted a note on Facebook tonight about my dating challenge.  Here it is for posterity’s sake.

A while back, a friend of mine, Tamara Duricka Johnson, set out on a mission.  She wanted to experience dating in a way that she had never experienced it before.  In anticipation of her 31st birthday she planned 31 dates in 31 days.  She wrote about her experiences and has now published a book about it, to be released next month.  To celebrate the release she has issued a challenge for others to try something similar.  (Tamara’s challenge and a more detailed description can be found here)

Now, it’s my turn. In October I’m turning 33, so this new challenge is not only celebrating Tamara’s book, but is also a great way for me to celebrate my birthday.  I’m now sharing my intentions with the Facebook world in order to ask for some help in finding some dates.  As part of this challenge here are the rules I’ve decided on.

Length of each date: at least 33 min
Number of dates: 15 (no repeats)
Span of time: 3 weeks
Start date: the first week of October
Max cost of each date: $25 (my treat)
Each date will be either in or near New York City (or maybe Washington DC)

That’s it. Those are my only rules. If a woman is willing to stick with those requirements, she’s in. This means a lot of dates, so if you know anyone willing, please send her my way.  (This is also a good time for those who have been scheming to set me up with someone in particular to let me know.)

At this point you might be asking why I’m doing this.  This isn’t an attempt to see how many women I can convince to go out with me and I’m not really interested in much publicity.  Instead, what I intend to accomplish is to genuinely change and improve my perspectives about dating.  Over the years I’ve dated here and there but it has usually been without much purpose or direction and I want to change that; I want to test my assumptions and beliefs about dating and improve my skills as a dating companion.

Feel free to ask any questions, provide some date suggestions (either who to go out with or what to do), or provide any other feedback that you would like to share.

Marcus

After posting it my anxieties started getting to me and I now I wonder if I’ll be taken as sincere and genuine in my endeavors.  Will the fact that I’ve advertised my desires to go out with 15 different women over 3 weeks time be taken as shameless self-promotion?  Or will it be seen as how I see it, a sincere attempt to become a better dater?   I’ve committed myself to this and it has begun.  I can and will do this.

September 24, 2011

In less than 24 hours I have already lined up 3 different women for me to go out with.  My anxiety over the project has been somewhat alleviated.  It’s quite possible that I will have more than enough dates to the point that I might just extend my project.  Tomorrow I will plan a little more in depth.

September 26, 2011

I’ve made a calendar, scheduled two dates, made a list of women confirmed but not scheduled, and also made a “wish list” comprised of suggestions from others and my own brainstorming.  The total number is more than 15.  While 15 is my goal, I’d rather have too many than not enough.

September 28, 2011

I didn’t want to do anything with this tonight.  The task seems so daunting but I still felt like I should do something.  I took into consideration all the suggestions I was offered.  Any woman that was suggested more than once (including my own suggestions) was automatically in.  Then I chose those who I wanted to ask out and then added all the suggestions I got that I don’t know yet.  After all of that, I sent out a few emails (that was probably poor form on my part, but I’m tired and cranky right now and really don’t feel like actually calling anyone).  I’m still working on getting over the should thing though.  This is an adventure and an opportunity for growth.  I just hope I can get through this with my sanity intact.

September 30, 2011

I have my first date lined up for next Monday.  She offered to plan it.  Normally I would take a chivalrous/ borderline chauvinistic approach and would say something like, “that’s the man’s job so let me be the man!”  However, this project is about learning and experiencing dating in ways I’ve never experienced before.  I can’t wait!

(update: she got sick and had to reschedule)

Are you reading?

I’m heading to Dover and Calais tomorrow. A bus followed by a ferry across the English Channel. My life is pretty rough these days.

Distractions . . .

Last week I did something I haven’t done in several years. I saw a rated R movie in the theater.  While I didn’t feel bad about seeing it, something else happened that I wasn’t expecting.  I got distracted from the things that are the most important.

Ebony Magazine and the Facebook Generation

Sometime in the early part of 2007, I was waiting in line at a neighborhood grocery store when something strange managed to get my attention.  It was a copy of Ebony magazine.  Usually I wouldn’t look or think twice about something like this but this time I couldn’t help but stare.  The cover had a picture of Barack and Michelle Obama and a caption that said something to the effect of, “The Next President and First Lady of the United States of America.”  My first thoughts were questions like, “what?” and, “are they serious?”  The primary season was several months away from even starting and the path to the White House was strewn with all sorts of difficulties for Senator Obama, not the least of which was the infamous Clinton machine.  Still though, Ebony made its prediction and put it in writing for the whole world to see.

I wondered about Ebony’s bold statement for some time and kept it in the back of my mind.  In the following months, that front cover came to memory especially as I started talking to a number of friends who had genuine hopes of seeing Barack Obama elected.  When discussion would turn to politics, and especially Senator Obama, I listened to what they had to say.  After all, my friends are generally intelligent people and I value their opinions.  At some point I was almost converted and probably would have been had it not been for my conservative roots.  Through the course of time, Senator Obama and his staff worked hard, he emerged as the victor, and Ebony was right!

As strange as Ebony’s prophecy may seem, it really shouldn’t seem that strange, given all of the other weird factors of this election.  Never before have we had a campaign season that was as long as this one.  Never before has this much money been spent.  For the first time in 80 years, neither the president nor the vice president ran.  For the first time in recent memory the president-elect has come from the senate.  What’s more is how many people have been involved in this election, both in campaigning for their candidate of choice or even just voting when they would have otherwise stayed home.  What’s most striking to me though, and what set him apart from his rivals, was Senator Obama’s approach to campaigning.  He seized new tools unavailable or unused in previous elections.  He found a way to reach out to the Facebook Generation and did so effectively by doing things unheard of like sending text messages and organizing Internet groups to garner support.  By speaking to such a mass of people in ways that really resonated with them, he made himself out to be someone you could trust, someone you’d want to hang out with, if you had the chance.  But that was part of his approach—he made you feel that that sort of interaction with him was possible.  Now comes the real test.  Will the Facebook Generation still want to hang out with him in four years?  Let’s hope.

Gimps United!!

I went down to Provo last weekend to visit some friends.  It was Homecoming week at BYU and we wanted to go to the pancake breakfast that was being held in conjunction with the Homecoming parade.  All was well and good until we woke up on Saturday morning only to find that it was cold and a little snowy.  I was staying at Brad‘s house (an old friend of mine) and we were going to meet up with Emily, a mutual friend of ours.  When we realized that certain climatic conditions would make being outside less than idyllic, we called Emily and suggested that we just make breakfast at her house.  Emily agreed and Brad and I drove to her house, after picking up a few necessities from the store such as bacon, milk, and strawberries.  As we pulled up, Emily was walking down the steps of her porch to discard some old magazines when she tripped on a garden hose twisting her ankle and tearing some ligaments in her foot.  Ouch.  Brad and I ran to her and Brad helped to carry her inside where she was able to call another friend who had access to some crutches for her to use.  It made for an interesting day but still, we were able to hang out and have a good time in the process (and even sneak a nap in).  I just wonder what other people were thinking when we went to the mall that night to see a movie.  It’s rare enough to see one person on crutches but to see two broken people hanging out together must have been a little strange.

The way it should be

I had a very special experience tonight as I’m spending time with family.  My aunt Susie was playing piano with my cousin Kat singing along with her.  They went through a number of songs in the primary children’s songbook but when they came to Love is Spoken Here, I remembered that this is the way we’re supposed to be-in families.  The lyrics of this song conjure up images of a home where Jesus Christ is worshipped, His presence is felt, and parents lead the way in teaching the principles of the Gospel to their children.  Although I’ve known this before, it becomes much a much more powerful experience to look around and to behold this ideal in action.  My aunt and uncle have been wonderful examples and for this, I am grateful that love is spoken here.